Tough lessons

It has been a month of lessons for me.  God is growing me in ways I don't enjoy.  He is constantly challenging me to put aside myself and to follow him wholeheartedly.  My husband and I have started working on our finances. Talk about a nightmare!  After 15 years of marriage we both have our own ways of doing things and our own expectations.  It has been a source of strife in our marriage since the beginning.  In talking about it and trying to agree and compromise I realized that a lot of my issues with money come down to the simple fact that to me money is security.  With it I can buy things I need and things I want.  My security however comes in the form of spending money.  My husbands on the other hand is saving money.  There's the disconnect.  We have the same goals we just disagree in how to get there.  I want a huge stockpile of food and household items so that if we aren't able to buy things later it doesn't matter we'll still have it.  Bryan wants to save the money so that we can buy things when we need them.  It seems so simple doesn't it meet in the middle, compromise.  Logically it  is.  Emotionally on the other hand it's not.  Because it's an issue that concerns taking care of us and our family it's also an issue that emotions run high with.    As we were discussing all this one night a few weeks ago Jesus spoke to my heart and said "Sarah what do you want? Do you want me or do you want you?"  Ouch! I fight to protect myself.   I get angry when I don't get my way or can't get my feelings heard or understood.  I feel sorry for myself when things don't go my way or the way I think they should have gone.  Sheesh, am I  five!  I felt so broken. Jesus went to the heart of the matter.  He made me see that finances and agreeing about them aren't the issue.  He's bigger than all that.  The matter was my heart, and I am the only one that can choose to change that.  I have to die every second of every day to the things that I want.  I have to trust that God like any great parent wants to see me provided for and cherished.  I have to choose to trust him constantly and to seek him constantly.   He knows my needs a lot better than I do and he wants to provide them.  But  just like any five year old I have strong opinions and feelings about what I want and how I think they should be accomplished.  I hold on furiously to my right to protect myself to be a grown-up with her own ideas and plans.  Jesus said in Luke 18" I tell you the truth, anyone who will not receive the kingdom of God like a little child will never enter it"  Right after that is the story of the rich young ruler (Luke 18: 18-29)  He was not able to come to Jesus like the children did because he wanted his way, his stuff, his plans and not God's.  I'm too often like that.
The bottom line though is that above all else I want Jesus.  I want him more than my way, I want him more than my plans and security nets.  I choose him!  We choose our spouse, we choose our friends, we choose our stuff, but  how often do we choose him.  It's not an easy thing to do.  It's something that is covered in cliches and religious statements. But is it true of you and your heart?  Do you love him enough to choose him above everything else? Above the desires of your own heart and, above your own emotional needs?  It's a tough question but one I've been asking myself constantly.  How bad do I want Jesus! How bad do you?