July 3rd

Grief and loss are funny things.  They catch you off guard all the time.  Something silly like making deviled eggs will tear you up :)  My brother-in-law Jim killed himself July 3rd and our family has been in a really tough time of grief and questioning why.  I have experienced death in my family before but it's been grandparents or accidents.  Suicide is a whole different ball game.  Along with all the grief come feelings of betrayal and questions, ton's of questions. The hard thing is for us is that there are no answers.  I'll be honest and say that I've been mad at God.  I had great plans for Jim.   He was a great guy with a big heart.  Him dying didn't fit into my plans anywhere!  At first the shock was so massive that I almost couldn't feel anything.  Then I got angry! Really angry.  I love God, my faith is a firm unwavering foundation that holds me together, but I threw a fit!  It was a two year old temper tantrum in the store.  Yes, the kicking feet and pounding fists!  Screaming at the top of their lungs.  Ok, maybe not visibly, but that's what I felt like on the inside.  I was screaming why!  This isn't fair!  I wanted my way!  I wanted to see him become the man I knew he could be! How could you let this happen!  There really are no answers but, as I stop and actually seek God in this daily, dealing with the grief the questions, and the pain.  I'm feeling his hand on my heart.  He loves Jim and didn't want this to happen anymore that I did.  The difference is, He doesn't push his plan and will onto others. He lets us choose.  The pain is still here!  The grief isn't gone!  But I'm seeing some light at the end of the tunnel.  Hanging onto Jesus instead of pushing him away is helping tremendously!  Jesus, hang on to me today!  Don't let me go.  Hold me up and help me to function well.

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